


Please Don't Tell Him

by Jessi_aka_pyro



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Edit, I made a second chapter, I really like Jake and Christine fight me, I wrote most of this while stuck in traffic on my way to work, Jake and Michael bffs for life, Jake is a good bro, M/M, Michael in the Bathroom, My OTPs, Panic Attacks, RIP, So that's where I blame the mistakes, Victory bow - Freeform, boyf riends — Freeform, i might make a second chapter, idk yet, not too bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-11
Updated: 2017-12-22
Packaged: 2019-01-16 02:44:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12333843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jessi_aka_pyro/pseuds/Jessi_aka_pyro
Summary: He wasn't sure what started it. Just a few minutes ago Michael, Jake, Christine, and Jeremy were eating lunch, Jeremy laughing about something Jake said, Christine giggling in her sweet voice. When suddenly Michael felt his vision blur and his skin start to feel foreign, tight and clammy. Everything suddenly felt wrong. Jeremy's laugh felt menacing and he could somehow feel Jake glaring at him, despite the boy staring dreamily at Christine. He felt an impulse to leave that was so strong, he nearly choked on the can of Crystal Pepsi.Edit: 12/22/2017Chapter two is now up :)





	1. Chapter 1

Michael would always be there for Jeremy. His player 2. Of course he would, why wouldn't he be? Even after everything, Jeremy was Michael's top priority. Especially after everything.

 

Rich had explained what exactly the squip was capable of. Michael hadn't known about… the near brainwashing. Of course he had suspected something more than just a voice telling you how to act but he'd never imagined it was that severe. Because of this revelation however, Michael couldn't possibly hold anything against Jeremy. Even if it still hurt. Especially since it still hurts. 

 

Jeremy is the type of person to beat himself up and over think every slightly negative comment he made, and Michael couldn't have that. Jeremy already had enough to deal with. So he just… didn't mention it.

 

It wasn't hard, really. Anytime Michael would even slightly get the urge to mention the Hell that was his life while Jeremy was gone, he'd remember that Jeremy was literally  _ tortured _ and yep, nope. Lips are sealed, throw away the key, all that jazz. Jeremy had already apologized a thousand times. Michael had stayed up with him on the phone, listening to the other boy’s shaking voice as he whispered out every hoarse apology he could muster.

 

He was over it. 100%. 110% even. He didn't hold Jeremy responsible for anything, and there was no reason for him to ever know how severe it had been for him. Because regardless of what Michael experienced he was positive Jeremy had had it worse. So it didn't matter. He didn't care about it anymore.

 

And that was precisely why he was at the mall, shaking in a dirty bathroom stall, trying not to panic.

 

He wasn't sure what started it. Just a few minutes ago Michael, Jake, Christine, and Jeremy were eating lunch, Jeremy laughing about something Jake said, Christine giggling in her sweet voice. When suddenly Michael felt his vision blur and his skin start to feel foreign, tight and clammy. Everything suddenly felt _wrong_. Jeremy's laugh felt menacing and he could somehow feel Jake glaring at him, despite the boy staring dreamily at Christine. He felt an impulse to leave that was so strong, he nearly choked on the can of Crystal Pepsi he had bought from his boy at Spencers.

 

Managing to plaster on an easy going smile, Michael mumbled out what he hoped to be an excuse to the restroom, before pushing away from the table and making his way across the food court with renewed vigor.

 

He sat down on the toilet with a thump, vision unfocused and breath quick. He rubbed his hands along his jeans in a repetitive motion, making small attempts to ground himself. He desperately tried to think of what triggered the attack, but when nothing came, Michael shut his eyes tight with a small whimper he tried to muffle behind tightened lips.

 

With a desperate thought, Michael shoved his hand into the pocket of his hoodie, trying to feel for the earbuds he kept stashed in there but they were… he suddenly remembered taking them out when his mom forced him to wash his hoodie. Michael couldn't remember putting them back. And his headset was so far away in his car which was at home. Jake had insisted in driving since he got a new car. He didn't even have his phone on him. He must've left it on the table. So even if he did have his headphones they would be useless.

 

He wanted his headphones. He wanted his basement. He wanted out of here.

 

The bathroom door swung open suddenly, making Michael jump  _ hard _ , managing to hit his head on the wall of the tiny stall. Michael was always complaining about being too tall and wide for these Damn things.

 

“...Michael?”

 

His breath caught in his throat. White sneakers appeared under the door of his stall, followed by a hesitant knock. “Are you okay man? Sounded like you hit your head.”

 

Michael cleared his throat, trying To force his breathing to even. “U-uh yeah. M’fine. Sorry Jake.”

 

The sneakers shuffled, appearing to be debating on whether to leave or stay. “Uhm. Look, bro. I don't ready make it a habit of talking to guys in the bathroom but… are you good? In there?”

 

If it was any other situation, Michael would laugh at Jake's awkwardness. He really was a cool guy now after the whole squipcident. His chest tightened as another gasp forced it's way up his throat. Ah. So this attack was squip related. He should've known.

 

He must've taken too long to reply, because Jake was stammering again. “Mike? Buddy? Uhm.”

 

Michael cleared his throat again, hating how it tightened and tried to choke his words back. He wrapped his arms tightly around himself, hunching forward in an attempt to protect himself from some subconscious threat. “I said I'm fine.” It came out clear and strong like he intended but, the sharp bite to it was probably unnecessary. Jake took a step back. Michael regretted agreeing to come to the mall today. Jake didn't deserve that.

 

“Uh alright. H-hey. Look, Man. I just came in to piss and like- you don't sound too good? I'll leave you alone if you want, but I mean… we're friends now, yeah? So… why don't you open the door so I know you're okay? O-or I can get Jeremy. He'd prob-”

 

“No!” Jake jumped at Michael's shout, the very slightly shorter boy, now standing, breathing quickly. Jeremy couldn't know. He couldn't know Michael was hurting. He'd blame himself and- he needed to say something to Jake.

 

“N-no,” he repeated in a more normal voice, wincing at the way it shook. “No need to… you don't need to w-worry him. I'm fine.”

 

“You don't sound very fine,” Jake replied, and Michael could hear the resolve there. Like he was motivated now. And sure enough, it showed as Jake added, “come out and I won't get Jeremy. You sound really messed up right now dude.”

 

Michael bit the inside of his cheek. He wanted to fight Jake. Shrink back further into the stall and ignore him. But he'd tell Jeremy. Michael’s heart sped up again and it was difficult to breath. No. No Jeremy.

 

With shaking fingers, he went to unlock the stall, managing to miss twice. It seemed like his fingers didn't want to listen to him.

 

Michael kept his face down, arms immediately going back to wrap around his waist as the door swung open. He could feel Jake staring at him, only this time it was 100% real. He sniffed loudly, wincing, and managed to shove his hands into the pocket of his hoodie, trying to appear casual.

 

It didn't work.

 

“Uhh woah. Yeah, you're not alright. You sure you don't want me to get Jeremy?”

 

Michael shook his head quickly, eyes shutting as he fought off another wave of the desperate need to keep Jeremy out of this. He opened his mouth, but under Jake's eye, it seemed he was having a more difficult time keeping together than when he was by himself. A whine came out rather than words, and Michael cringed, stepping back into the stall. He shook his head again, trying to breath slowly.

 

Jake’s feet moved closer, but stopped, hesitating just outside the stall. “Michael..?”

 

His breath hitched, and Michael hunched forward again, eyes stinging.  _ Damnit _ . He took a gasping deep breath, trying to focus but it wasn't working and everything was still out of focus and Jake was there and it was all a mess and his hands were suddenly around himself again, gripping and tightening and  _ clawing _ into his jacket to just  _ hold on _ .

 

Hands were then on his though, sending a shock up Michael's body. He jerked his hands away with a shout, shaking harder. He looked up frantically, registering it was still Jake, who's eyes now were wide and scared.

 

“S-sorry,” he forced out, hunching over again with his eyes closed. “I don't-please don't- i-i just… don't touch me.  _ Fuck. _ I'm sorry.”  _ Ugh _ he was such a mess. And Jake apparently had front row seats. Michael ran a shaking hand through his hair, tugging on the back, making himself wince. He shook his head hard to try and focus. It worked for about a second before his vision doubled again. Michael let out another pained noise, hand pulling tighter.

 

“Woah woah woah, due don’t like  _ hurt _ yourself.” Jake’s hands hovered over Michael, obviously wanting to touch him, but not wanting to make it worse. Michael’s head felt foggy as his body screamed. Everything felt tight and nonexistent. Like his heart was being squeezed oh so tight by and endless vacuum, sucking off his skin. He could hear his ragged breaths, but they sounded so far away in his muffled state. Michael shook his head again, pulling back further against the wall, trying to disappear. He just wanted to disappear.

 

“Just-  _ fuck _ gimmie a sec,” Michael forced out, hand still dug tightly into his hair, the other gripping onto the side of his hoodie. Jake waited just outside the stall, watching cautiously.

 

Michael whimpered and curled further around himself, trying to fight the imposing pressure that was building in his head.  _ Fuck. _ This was just like him. Trying to leave the group to freak out alone so he didn't ruin their day, yet Jake still managed to find him and now he'd hate him and think he's a freak and not talk to Jeremy anymore and Jeremy would be upset and it'd be all Michael's fault and-

 

Michael bit his cheek, pressing further into the wall. He needed to calm down. He needed to level his breathing. That was a good place to start.

 

He could feel Jake's eyes on him, but he ignored it in favour of counting slowly, twitching his fingers in a rhythmic pace to try to breath to. After a few minutes, Michael felt his chest lighten, if only slightly, leaving his teeth and tongue buzzing in a weird way. But at least he didn't feel weighed down anymore. He still desperately wanted his head phones, but as his panic was becoming more manageable, it wasn't as pressing. He did however want something to drink, now feeling sluggish and dehydrated.

 

Michael vaguely wondered if his Pepsi was still cold.

 

His Pepsi.

 

That was it.

 

He let out a harsh laugh, making Jake jump. Michael rubbed at his face with a sleeve, still laughing a little. “You know-you know when the last time I was at this mall?”

 

Jake shook his head, not sure what to say.

 

Michael looked up at the slightly taller boy, smiling, though he was still shaking, if only a little. “It was when Jeremy took that stupid glitched out nano. He left me here alone and i- I drank all my Crystal Pepsi waiting for him to come back until… until I was kicked out. It uhm. It wasn't a good day.”

 

His eyes stung again as he remembered, waiting and waiting but Jeremy never showing up. Texting him, calling him, never getting an answer, begging the security guard for just  _ five more minutes, I swear he'll be back. _

 

Michael shook his head, focusing back on Jake. And oh hey he can focus again, that's rad. Jake looked… uncomfortable. But like he wanted to help, just didn't know what to do. He opened his mouth, only to close it again.

 

Michael laughed and waved him off, feeling the shakiness subside. He could work with this. “Dude, Jake, I'm fine now. I just- I needed some time to calm down. Don't worry about me, you're good. Thanks for trying to help though.”

 

Jake shook his head, blocking Michael as he tried to leave the bathroom. He crossed his arms, looking uncomfortable still, but Michael could still see that determination in his eyes. Inwardly, he sighed.

 

“Michael that's- you can't just go through that and  _ be okay _ . If you're not finds talk to Jeremy, at least talk to me.

 

“Jake, I'm fine. There's nothing to talk about,” he tried again, shrugging in indifference. He pushed his hands back into his pockets, trying to hide his anxiety that was building.

 

“No you're not, dude. You just had a panic attack from drinking a soda. That's what that was, right?”

 

Michael bit the inside of his cheek, nodding slowly. There was no point in lying about that.

 

“And does it happen often?”

 

Michael shrugged, not really sure what often meant in this situation. Last time he'd had a real panic attack was probably two months ago when Jeremy was in the hospital. Otherwise he's just had  _ close calls _ . “I guess. Not really,” he answered.

 

Jake nodded, proceeding to ask what Michael was hoping he wouldn't.

 

“Why are you hiding it from Jeremy?”

 

He swallowed thickly, happy that his hands were already in his pockets as he grabbed his wrists suddenly, needing the security it gave him.

 

Jake stared him down. It was obvious he wasn't letting Michael out without a response. He considered running past him but then… what's to stop Jake from spilling? Michael sighed, not looking at anything in particular. He shouldn't have came today.

 

“I-,” he tried, but his throat was dry and tight. He had to clear his throat, taking deep breaths to try and force it out. “I just-”

 

Michael groaned pushing his hand through his hair again, stepping back from Jake. “He just can't know, okay? I just- I don't want him to know.”

 

“Yeah but  _ why _ ? He's your best friend, right? Don't you think he'd want to know you're struggling?”

 

Michael bit his tongue hard time keep back the bite he wanted to shout. How it was none of Jake's business and he didn't care what Jeremy wanted to know because it didn't concern him. Michael knew Jeremy had left because the squip had erased Michael from Jeremy's vision. It wasn't Jeremy's fault so why would he want to burden him with more shit to be guilty about.

 

“Michael.” His attention was drawn back up to Jake, who was looking worried. “Dude, I'm sorry. I'm just- I don't know what you're going through, but if you're scared of what Jeremy will say or whatever, I'm sure he'll understand or-”

 

“It's not about being scared. I- I know he'll be there for me but that's- that's the problem!” Michael had tears biting at his eyes again, hands shaking. He was staring at Jake with wide desperate eyes, begging him to understand. “He- of  _ course _ he'd be there for me! He's so- so selfless. But it's  _ not his fault _ . And I know if I tell him, he'll blame himself and he'll hate himself and _ I can't let that happen _ . I can't let him think he's responsible for all of this because _ he's not _ . So no. I won't tell him. Because Jeremy is getting better and _ I am not _ going to be the one to bring him back down for shit that doesn't even matter.”

 

Jake was staring at him and Michael was feeling uncomfortable. His breathing was quick again and his throat felt dry and and sore. He didn't mean to say all of that, but there it was, out in the open. Michael coughed slightly, keeping his head down. He rubbed at his eyes just in case, and sure enough little beads of tears were died from the corners of his stinging eyes.

 

“Mike… you matter. You're emotions? And feelings?  _ They matter _ . And Jeremy deserves to know. That boy is so in love with you it's not even funny. He-”

 

Jake kept talking about Michael wasn't listening.  _ Jeremy isn't in love with me. _ There was no way. He looked up, cutting off Jake's monologue of self worth with said thought. “Jake,  _ Jeremy isn't in love with me _ . What are you talking about.?”

 

Jake looked at him like he was an idiot. “Are you serious? You know Christine said you two were fucking oblivious but I didn't really believe it. I thought you just weren't ready to date or something.”

 

Michael stared at him, not sure what to say.

 

Jake made a frustrated noise, rubbing at his thigh absent mindedly. Now that Michael thought about it, Jake had been doing that increasingly more throughout the day.

 

“Michael. You two? You and Jeremy? You two are so in love it makes me gag. Not uh not because gay or anything. Just like. You two are like fucking fairy tale romance. It's painful to watch sometimes.”

 

Michael flushed slightly, staring. Jake was… wrong. Jeremy didn't love him. There was no way.

 

Jake groaned again, this time punctuated with a loud, “ _ Oh my gOD.  _ Michael. When we go back, pay attention, okay? Watch how he acts around you. Compared to how he acts around Christine o-or me.  _ It's so obvious _ .”

 

“But.. But Jeremy isn't gay.”

 

Jake rolled his eyes. “Okay so he's bi or pan or something.”

 

“B-but. No. Jeremy, he's- he's never been anything but straight.”

 

“Has he explicitly said he's straight?”

 

Michael bit his lip. “Well… no. But he's said plenty of times he's not gay.”

 

“Michael.” Michael was really getting tired of hearing his name.

 

“Go out there, and watch him. Okay? And I still think you should tell him about the panic attacks. That's not… that's not healthy man. And like, that's gotta suck dealing with by yourself. Yeah Jeremy might blame himself for awhile, but that just means you gotta convince him he's wrong.”

 

Michael nodded slowly, thinking. It wasn't possible. But… it couldn't hurt to watch. He would try not to get his hopes up though. That would… no. He'd better not even think about it.

 

“He doesn't love me,” Michael repeated, mostly to himself, but loud enough for Jake to hear. The other sighed and approached the boy, going to place a hand on his shoulder, but hesitating. Michael saw this and gave a short breathy laugh. “It's okay. Just uhm. When I'm. L-like that I uhm. I don't handle touch well. It's… too much. Sometimes.” He hated how weak his voice sounded. How pathetic it was when he tried to explain how sensitive he was to that sort of thing.

 

But Jake just smiled, nodding, and going forth with his hand on Michael's shoulder. He squeezed gently. “Hey man. It's okay, I get it. And uhh okay. So look. I'm not the best with words? And I probably wasn't any help but… you at least love Jeremy right? Like you're  _ in love _ with him?”

 

Michael froze, looking up at Jake with scared eyes. He knew he'd already basically admitted it. Hell, he'd even admitted it to himself. But to hear it out loud like that… Michael didn't know how to react.

 

Under Jake's intimidating stare however, Michael found himself nodding slowly, if shaking a little. His hands were clammy and stomach heavy. He was… scared? Anxious? He didn't know but it didn't feel good.

 

Jake nodded, smiling. Michael was confused. “Good. Then that means you have a fighting chance. If you love then, there's always a chance he may love you back. And he may be just as scared about it as you are. So what's the harm in just looking? To see if the signs are there?”

 

Michael swallowed thickly, managing to look away again. He pulled out from under Jake's heavy hand. “Is that… is that how it was with Christine? When you guys got together?”

 

Jake flushed, and honestly, Michael found it kind of cute and endearing. He and Christine made a cute couple. “Uhm, kind of? I mean sure I liked her, but I didn't want to actually  _ be _ with her until after everything. When she was finding herself I guess. I just. I really like the person she's become. So it's different from you and Jeremy. You guys have known each other forever, right? I've only known Chris for three years we've been in high school. And I only  _ noticed _ her last year. But… in terms of being scared… yeah. I guess we are a little similar.”

 

“Did.. Did you like her when she was dating Jeremy?”

 

Jake shrugged. But nodded all the same. “...Yeah. Did you?”

 

Michael smiled back at him, if a little sheepish. “Uhm. Yeah. It's been… since freshman year. Maybe longer. I'm not sure anymore.”

 

Jake laughed, pushing his hands in the pockets of his letterman jacket. “Couple of heart sick losers we are.”

 

“Except you got a happy ending,” Michael tacked on.

 

Jake smiled softly, rolling back on his heels. “You can too, buddy. You just haven't tried.”

 

They stood in silence for a minute more until Jake's phone pinged. He checked it quickly, eyes widening. “Uhhh we better get you back out there, bro. Chris says Jeremy is getting panicky. Saying you've been gone for too long.”

 

Michael's eyes widened as well, nodding quickly. He stopped by the mirror real quick to check his face. It was red and flushed and his eyes were a little tinged, but at least he didn't cry. He'd come close a few times, but no tears actually fell. He could just pass it off as feeling sick.

 

Jake slung an arm around Michael's shoulders, leading him out of the bathroom. “You look fine dude. Come on.”

 

Michael nodded and let him lead him. Jake paused however as he went to reach for the door handle. “Remember what I said, okay? And uhh I think you should tell Jeremy. You'd want to know if you were in his shoes.”

 

Jake was… right. Michael still didn't think he could go through with telling him. Damn sure he couldn't tell him today, but… one day. He should tell Jeremy. Michael nodded, not looking up. “I… I will. Not today but…”

 

Jake grinned. “That's all I ask for, man.” He pushed open the door, leading them back to their worried friends.

 

“Now. Christine's birthday is coming up. What do you think I should get her? She already has the soundtrack to Hamilton. Maybe…”

 

Michael smiled. Jake wasn't such a bad guy. Maybe he was…. No. Michael still didn't believe him about Jeremy  _ being in love with him _ . But maybe he was right about the other thing. He could watch right? Just… look? Maybe he did have a chance. He'd have to work at it but, a chance was better than forever watching Jeremy be happy with someone he could never be.

 

Michael walked back into the food court with a clearer mind, slipping out from under Jake's arm when he saw Christine waving at them, practically holding back Jeremy from running over to them. He definitely looked worried.

  
_ Maybe he should tell him _ .


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2**

 

“You promised me you'd tell him.”

 

Michael sighed into the receiver of the phone held against his cheek. He rolled to his side, joint held loosely between two extended fingers. “Yeah I know, and I will. But Jake, I Told you. I'm waiting for the right time.”

 

Jake's audible sigh sounded over, making Michael roll his eyes, pulling smoke between his lips, expelling it slowly. He could hear the irritation in Jake's voice and it was putting him on edge.

 

“Yeah but you've been saying that for two months now. You guys are  _ dating _ now. Michael, you need to tell him.”

 

His heart gave a small flutter at the admission from his friend, despite the authoritarian tone. It's true. Two weeks ago he'd finally gathered the nerve to confess to Jeremy that he'd been in love with him for at least three years. Or more well, Jeremy accidentally found a note Michael and Jake had been writing on in algebra II and cornered Michael to ask.

 

_ ‘Are you in love with me, Michael?’ _

 

_ ‘Uhhh What? Dude, what are you talking about?’ _

 

_ ‘I found this note by accident. I was uh. I was looking for my pen last week when your said it was in your backpack. I saw my name on this so I grabbed it, I'm sorry. But… it says that you're in love with me, Mike.’ _

 

_ ‘Oh.’ _

 

_ ‘So do you?’ _

 

_ ‘... What do you want me to say?’ _

 

_ ‘Michael… I just need to know.’ _

 

_ ‘I… yah. Yeah I do. I'm sorry.’ _

 

_ ‘N-no! That's- i- I think I… I think I might like you too.’ _

 

_ ‘Really!? I-i mean, uh-’ _

 

_ ‘It's okay dude, I'm excited too. H-how long?’ _

 

_ ‘How long?’ _

 

_ ‘How long have you liked me, dork.’ _

 

_ ‘Oh uhm… since freshman year I think. I dunno. Maybe longer.’ _

 

_ ‘Oh. But you were supportive with Christine…?’ _

 

_ ‘I just… wanted you to be happy.’ _

 

_ ‘Oh.’ _

 

_ ‘Can I uhh. Can I kiss you?’ _

 

_ ‘No shit, you can kiss me.’ _

 

_ ‘…’ _

 

_ ‘… well?’ _

 

_ ‘I uhm. I don't…’ _

 

_ ‘You've never kissed anyone before, have you.’ _

 

_ ‘What, like you have!?’ _

 

_ ‘Duh, I dated Brooke and Christine! Of course I've kissed someone before.’ _

 

_ ‘... Oh. I just… I don't wanna mess it up.’ _

 

_ ‘Michael, it'd be impossible for you to mess up. Just hurry up and kiss me.’ _

 

_ ‘A-are you sure? I mean, I've heard stor-mmf!’ _

 

Things were great! If you excluded the mild panic attacks that he would have at random when a tiny thing would remind him of the time he had spent without Jeremy. It wasn't a big deal though. So what if he had trouble going to the restroom with the door closed. Or if Pepsi products made his chest seize up. It was easily avoidable. He just never used the restroom in public areas and just stopped drinking Pepsi. See? It's fine. He has it under control.

 

And it wasn't all bad. Since that day at the mall, he and Jake had been growing closer in friendship. Michael was… to be blunt, awkward around new people. Especially people who used to bully him mercilessly. But after becoming friends with Jake, things seemed easier. With Jake, Jeremy, and Christine all close to him, the others just seemed to fall into place. Michael was still pretty quiet when the entire group was together, but at least he could have a conversation when one on one with them rather than sitting in awkward silence, pretending to be distracted.

 

“Yeah yeah, I  _ know _ . I said I would. Just… I need more time.”

 

“You always need more time.”

 

Michael shrugged, though Jake couldn't see. He rolled back onto his back with a heavy sigh. “Look dude. Things are… it's only been two weeks. I don't wanna load that shit on him just yet, alright? Can't I just… live in this happy space for a little while?”

 

“I guess, Michael. But the longer you keep this up, the worse it'll be when it comes to light. You're not okay, and Jeremy is going to be pissed when he finds out you've been hiding it from him.”

 

He knew it was true. But Michael still didn't want to tell him. He'd come close once. The words were on his lips.  _ ‘I'm not okay.’  _

 

They were at Jeremy's house, curled up on the couch together, sharing a blanket and watching Spirited Away. A favorite of Jeremy's out of the Studio Ghibli films.

 

He hadn't been paying attention to the movie. Instead he was staring at Jeremy. The soft glow from the movie in the dark room lit up features you normally wouldn't see in normal light. He wasn't sure why, but Michael could just imagine a tall man, dressed in black, hunched over Jeremy, menacingly. He supposed it might've been inspired from the infamous character, no face, from the film, but he didn't make that connection until after.

 

The man would look at Michael and grin, sharp teeth and glowing blue eyes. Michael would imagine him deleting Michael from Jeremy again, taking him away after he'd finally gotten his best friend back.

 

Jeremy had caught Michael staring from the corner of his eye. He smiled at him, but as Michael didn't smile back, it had turned into a frown.

 

_ ‘...Michael? You okay?’ _

 

And there they were. Those three words stuck on his tongue. But as the images flashed on-screen, and the soft glow lit up Jeremy, Michael knew he couldn't ruin this moment. It was  _ technically _ their first date. Jeremy had specifically asked Mr. Heere to leave the house so they could be here alone.

 

Mr. Heere had refused to leave two teenagers who we're dating alone in the house at night, but he had agreed to stay in his room so long as they promised ‘ _ no funny business’. _

 

So he smiled quickly, twisting his hands together in an attempt to subside the illusion his brain was making.

 

_ ‘I'm fine. Sorry, you're just… really cute.’ _

 

A small flush formed on Jeremy's cheeks and he looked away quickly, though a smile was there. His hand snaked over to steal one of Michael's,twining their fingers together.

 

_ ‘You're really cute too,’  _ he whispered back.

 

Michael was glad he didn't ruin that moment.

 

Michael zoned back into reality to hear Jake Sighing through the phone again.

 

“Michael, are you even listening?”

 

“U-uhm. Yes?”

 

“Then what did I say.”

 

Michael laughed nervously, pulling at the strings of his hoodie. “Ahh okay. I was thinking about Jeremy. Sorry.”

 

He could  _ hear _ Jake roll his eyes. “Whatever man. Just… I can't force you. And I won't tell on you. But Michael, seriously. You  _ need _ to tell him soon. It's gonna-”

 

“Gonna get worse. I know Jake, I know. You've said it only a million times. Stop freaking out, okay?”

 

“I'm only repeating it, cause it's true.”

 

A loud creak of the front door being opened sounded, before muffled footsteps were heading to the basement door.

 

Michael rushed out a quick, “Hey Jeremy's heere, gotta go, Jake! Sorry, I'll tell him, I promise.”

 

“Michael Mell, you better fuckin-”

 

Michael hung up the phone just as feet started to descend the stairs. Michael took another quick pull off of the joint he held, before stubbing it out in the old star trek blanket he'd had forever, and putting it with the rest of his stache, closing the dresser drawer where he kept it.

 

Finally, Jeremy reached the bottom steps with an easy grin, backpack hanging loosely from his shoulder. He bounced over with a wave. “Hey man! Who were you talking-” his face scrunched up before a laugh forced its way out, and _ Fuck _ Michael was in love with this boy. “ _ Dude. _ You know it  _ reeks _ of weed in here, right?”

 

Michael giggled, leaning down slightly to press a kiss to the top of Jeremy's head. They'd only kissed twice, and each time was special. He wasn't sure how to initiate casual kisses and he Damn sure wasn't about to.

 

“Don't you mean  _ ‘heere' _ ?” He ‘fingergunned' the end of the question, falling backwards into the bean bag labeled ‘Player 1’.

 

Jeremy rolled his eyes, sitting calmly in his bean bag and dropping his back pack to the side. “I'll take that as a  _ yes _ .”

 

“And I'll take that as a  _ ‘you're jealous’. _ ”

 

“Of what? Getting high alone and probably doing  _ nothing _ ? Yeah sure.”

 

Michael sat up, a hand to his chest. “How dare! I was listening to music so  _ excuse _ .”

 

Jeremy laughed, starting to unpack the switch console from his backpack. “Oh  _ shut up _ you nerd. I still don't know how you do it. When I smoke I just get sleepy.”

 

“Yeah well probably because you've only gotten high twice. And each time it was like 3am. No shit you fell asleep.”

 

Jeremy rolled his eyes and moved across the room to set up the system. Michael's eyes followed his movements, humming softly to  _ ‘Weekend Wars by MGMT’,  _ though currently muffled by his overturned phone on the bed. He got up to move it to his portable speaker when he noticed a text alert at the top.

 

It previewed the message to say:

 

**From: Jake the Dawg**

**Mike I swear to Christ you better fucking...**

 

Michael quickly unlocked his phone, pulling up his messages to read the entire thing.

 

**From: Jake the Dawg**

**Mike I swear to Christ you better fucking tell him soon**

**And don't hang up on me rude**

 

Michael scoffed, quickly replying.

 

**To: Jake the Dawg**

**Yes I know shut up**

**And don't tell me what to do dillinger or I'll change your name to Jake from state farm again**

 

He moved to do as he originally intended, leaving it plugged into the speaker up on his desk. Loud enough to be background noise, but not too much to distract them.

 

Michael went back to the bean bag, flopping down. Jake was right. He'd known this. But it.. It wasn't the right time. Jeremy turned to Michael with a smile, the tv showing the start up sequence as the console turned on. Jeremy looked so happy. Just to be here. How could Michael ruin that for him? It was so special seeing Jeremy smile at him like that.

 

Jeremy moved back to his seat, passing the tiny controller over. Michael grinned when he saw the ‘P1' blinking. “So who were you scoffing at?” Jeremy asked, shifting to get comfortable.

 

“Geeze, Jer. First asking who I was calling? Now asking who I'm texting? If I didn't know better, I'd say you were jealous.”

 

Jeremy laughed again, reaching over to smack the back of Michael's head with a laugh. “ _ Dude _ shut up. Oh my god you're so weird today. I was just curious.”

 

Michael laughed along with him, hop/scooting his seat closer to Jeremy's until the two bean bags pressed together and Michael wrapped an arm around Jeremy's shoulders, pressing their cheeks together. “Awww wittle Jerwamy is jewous.”

 

“Dude!” Jeremy pushed him away as Michael collapsed into a giggling mess. Jeremy just rolled his eyes as picked he up Michael's controller to start up a game of bomberman.

 

Eventually Michael did calm down, sitting up, only to slouch back into a more reclined position. He took his controller back, leaning his head onto Jeremy's side. It was a little uncomfortable but eh he wasn't moving again. “It was just Jake. He was thanking me for helping him get Christine's birthday present.”

 

Jeremy hummed as they chose their characters, resting his elbow on the top of Michael's head. “Oh yeah. I saw her toting around that suitcase. I made the mistake of asking.”

 

A laugh busted from him as he could just imagine the scene. “She pulled them all out, huh.”

 

“Yep.” Jeremy made the ‘p' pop as he said it, and Michael couldn't deny the warmth that rushed through him.  _ God _ if Jeremy only knew the power he held. “She pulled out every single cardboard cut out of the Hamilton cast. Then forced Brooke to help her set them up. Then proceed to tell me  _ in detail _ how much she adored Jake as well as the back story to every single character because I said ‘i wasn't that much into it’.”

 

Michael laughed and it was just… really nice. He started up the game as they continued to trade stories and quips, Michael eventually moving into a more upright position, but putting all his weight onto Jeremy, knowing the other wouldn't mind.

 

It felt like old times. It felt… perfect. At one point they both had died, and as custom to tradition, decided to watch the computer's battle it out. Michael couldn't help turning his head to the side to press a soft kiss to Jeremy's cheek. He flushed red, turning to face Michael.

 

“What was that for?”

 

Michael shrugged, bumping their noses together. “I dunno. Because I can? Because I wanted to?”

 

“Because I'm your boyfriend?”

 

Michael's smile only widened as his face and body heated up. Would this feeling ever go away? Michael hoped not. “Yeah. That too.”

 

Jeremy giggled, pushing Michael slightly.  _ Did he move slightly closer? _ “Say it, jerk.”

 

“Say what? That you're cute?”

 

Rolling his eyes, Jeremy linked their hands, huffing. Though the smile was still in place. “ _ No _ . Say I'm your boyfriend.”

 

Michael's heart was beating a little faster as their hands were linked. He felt… he felt like he was still stupid high. But without the stupid. Like all the endorphins for  _ good _ were pumping through him. He wanted to kiss him.  _ Dear god _ , he wanted to kiss him. Was this one of those special times? Michael didn't know the code. He didn't know the protocols. Was it okay? Should he ask first? The first time was to validate their relationship or whatever. The second was at the end of their first date. Was it okay to just go for it? He'd seen Jake kiss Christine randomly a few times. And Rich always talked about making out with whoever he was crushing on at the time. What were the rules? Was there a hand book?

 

A forehead was pressed against his, drawing Michael's attention back to Jeremy's now very close face.

 

“Mike~ you were drifting.”

 

Michael swallowed thickly, staring into Jeremy's  _ blue _ eyes. The end of stage bomberman music mixing with green day in the background. Actually not as bad as you'd think.

 

Clearing his throat, Michael's gaze shifted from Jeremy's eyes to his lips and back. His heart was racing. “Why uhh. Why do you want me to say it so bad?”

 

“Because I want to hear it. Please?”

 

And since when could Michael deny Jeremy a direct request like that.

 

Locking eyes like they were some shitty romcom, Michael smiled sweetly, flushed red and tightening their hands. Game completely forgotten at this point. “You're my boyfriend.”

 

Jeremy giggled again and Michael's heart soared. “Thank you,” he whispered and then they were kissing.

 

Michael watched as Jeremy pulled back, biting his lip. An odd surge of bravery overtook Michael. He moved forward to reconnect their lips.

 

Jeremy pushed back and opened his lips slightly, tiny jolts of electricity sparking. Michael-

 

_ Shit. Michael didn't know what to do next. You move your lips back, right? _

 

He did so which had Jeremy stifling a laugh against him. Michael pulled back with a pout.

 

“ _ Michael _ . What was- were you  _ mouthing _ pacman while we were kissing?”

 

Michael scoffed, sitting back to cross his arms, a little hurt but to hell if Jeremy was going to know. “Actually it was Megaman. Wow Jeremy, #rude.” Yes, he said the hash tag and everything.

 

“Did you just- I’m done.” Jeremy started to get up, as if he was about to leave, which had Michael pulling him back down, until the shorter boy fell over into Michael’s lap. Michael giggled, wrapping his arms around Jeremy’s waist.

 

“Noooo You can’t leave! I won’t let you!”

 

Jeremy laughed and Michael’s heart lifted higher. Jeremy wrestled to get out of Michael’s arms, but the taller boy held strong, causing them to roll across the floor, laughter and stuttered demands to stop surrounding them with the lingering smoke and music playing across the room. Finally they fell apart, out of breath, broad smiles on their faces. What was Michael worrying about again?

 

He turned towards his boyfriend, Jeremy doing the same. Jeremy reached over with a huff of breathless laughter to readjust Michael's glasses. Michael rolled to his side, brushing his nose with Jeremy’s. “Hi,” he said softly.

 

Jeremy flushed as well, turning to face Michael too. He repeated the greeting. Michael could feel the electric tension between him. He was slowly starting to associate the feeling with the need for kissing. He leaned forward slightly, stomach turning as Jeremy tilted his head slightly ad eyes fluttered shut. He stopped however, just before their lips touched. “Would you prefer sonic this time?” Looking up, Michael pretended to be thinking over which character he should say this time. “Or Waluigi?”

 

Jeremy’s eyes flashed back open, a hand softly hitting Michael’s chest. “Michael! No! If you  _ ever _ say Waluigi when you should be kissing me again, I  _ swear to god, Mell _ , we’re breaking up!”

 

“What!? Awww Okay I’m sorry, Jere. I should’ve known you’d prefer Wario.”

 

“MIchael!”

 

Jeremy sat up with a huff, Michael spread out on the floor, laughing a little harder than he probably should be.

 

Jeremy moved back to the beanbags, tossing a teasing glare towards Michael’s direction. “Okay  _ Wario _ can we get back to the dang game now, please?”

 

MIchael sat up, still giggling slightly to himself with a nod. He knew he wouldn’t be able to bring up his woes tonight. It was just too… perfect.

 

\-----

 

“Did you tell him?”

 

An unmanly yelp left Michael's lips. He dropped the book he was holding and spun around to face Jake. “What the  _ Hell, _ dude! You scared me!”

 

Jake rolled his eyes, bending down to grab the fallen book, and returned it with a sharp glare. “Well?”

 

Taking it back, Michael turned away with a huff. “Fuck off, Dillinger. I  _ told _ you. I'll tell him when I'm ready.”

 

“And I've  _ told _ you! The longer you wait, the worse it'll be. Just tell him already, man.”

 

“It's not that simple.”

 

“Then spell it out for me. What's to horrible about telling Jeremy? Because personally, I only see the pros.”

 

Shoving the book a bit violently into his bag, Michael zipped it up harshly, heading out of the library. He really didn't want tired fuckin deal with this right now. “ _ Because, Jake. _ If I tell him, he'll feel bad and blame himself. And I don't want to be the person that hurts him.”

 

“And you don't think you're hurting him now? He knows something is wrong, Mell. Anyone with eyes can see you're fighting with yourself. I'm telling you dude. All that will happen is you guys will get closer.”

 

“And how do you know that, huh!? How the fuck are you so  _ sure _ !?”

 

Jake crossed his arms, staring pointedly at Michael. “Because, it's common fucking sense. What if Jeremy was hiding this stuff from you? Imagine Jeremy was crying himself to sleep at night, afraid you'd be upset about it, and you had no idea.”

 

Michael scoffed, continuing his trek out to the parking lot. “That isn't the same thing.”

 

“It is, Michael. You're just too afraid to admit it.”

 

Pausing, just before the entrance to the school, Michael spun around, hands balled at his sides. “I'm not afraid!”

 

“You're doing a piss poor job of not acting like it then!”

 

“Shut the fuck up, Dillinger! You know nothing about me!”

 

“Maybe so, but Jeremy does. He  _ deserves _ to know, Michael. You  _ need _ to talk to someone about this.”

 

“I'm talking to you, aren't I!?”

 

“Are you really though? Mike, can you honestly say you talk to me about this?”

 

Blinking, Michael matched Jake's eyes and scrunched his face “What do you mean?”

 

Letting his arms fall to his sides, Jake softened his expression, looking to Michael in what was almost pity. Michael hated it. “What I mean is, yah I may know about it. But you  _ Don't _ talk to me about it. I just happen to keep finding you. And since I already know, you can't hide it anymore. But you never  _ talk _ to me. And I get it, okay? You wanna be the strong guy or whatever. But eventually that's gonna bite you in the ass, bro. And hiding it is going to be the least of your worries. You may think I'm being a dick, but I'm saying this for your own good. As your friend, I really think you should tell him. You're fraying, Michael. You can't honestly think you can keep this up for much longer.”

 

Staring down at his shoes, Michael pushed his hands into his hoodie to hide the anxious fidgeting. He knew Jake was right. He'd known for awhile. But… “...how do I even tell him? How do I start?”

 

Jake shrugged, placing a heavy hand on his shoulder. “You could start with telling him why we're fighting.”

 

His head snapped up, confused once more. “Wh-what?”

 

Jake nodded behind him, giving Michael one more pat on the shoulder. “He's coming up now. Good luck, buddy.”

 

Michael watched him leave, protest dying on his lips as Jeremy slid into Jake's preoccupied space.

 

“What was that all about?”

 

Biting his lip, Michael was tempted to spill, but he couldn't. No matter how convincing Jake was, he was wrong. Michael wasn't strong enough to do this.

 

“Nothing. Just a stupid disagreement in class.”

 

Jeremy frowned, fingers twitching slightly. “...Mike? You okay?”

 

Michael took a deep breath before plastering on a smile. “Yeah. Much better now that you're heere. You still coming over tonight?”

 

Jeremy nodded, smiling back, but Michael could see the worry still buried in his expression. If his hands shook, Jeremy didn't comment. And as they passed Jake and Rich in the parking lot, Michael made it a point not to acknowledge Rich’s sad eyes and Jake's disappointed ones.

 

He was running out of time.

 

\---

 

This time he  _ knew _ what triggered it.

 

It was a party. Michael's birthday party to be exact. Which in itself was odd, as before now, Michael had never had more than Jeremy over at his house, much less eight people at his house. All in certification of him, no less.

 

He'd tried to act calm. Breath through it. But of course, luck was never a friend of his. All it had took was one little thing, and what had started out as a great night, had immediately turned into a nightmare. It's funny how everything can change in a second.

 

Groaning softly, Michael pulled his hood tighter over his head. He was so thirsty. But the thought of going back out there, into the room of friends, into the room where  _ Jeremy _ was, was terrifying. Just the idea of lifting his hand to open the door left him motionless, still with nonsensical horror.

 

At least it wasn't the bathroom this time.

 

No, rather than a cluttered, tiled, room, Michael was folded up and suffering in the tiny, enclosed, closet in his room. Everyone else was upstairs in the living room. It was only a matter of time however until someone came down looking for him.

 

It wasn't Jeremy's fault. But Michael knew it was Jeremy who had triggered it. Whether Jeremy was aware what he had done or not, Michael still couldn't make himself focus on anything other than the scene that had played before him.

 

Jeremy had been talking to both him and Christine. What about, Michael can't remember, but as Jeremy took a bite of a cookie, he'd winced. Understandable after just getting braces put on. It must've hurt more than he was letting on however, because then Jeremy was pulling out a small pill bottle, shaking two out. ‘Just pain pills,’ he had said, quickly swallowing the two with a green can of 7up.

 

It wasn't even mountain dew. Michael was being so _ stupid _ . And yet, as his eyes locked with Jeremy's, the other lowering the 7up can slowly, Michael couldn't help the weak excuse to, ‘go to the bathroom,’ from slipping out of his mouth. He'd all but ran to the basement, staggering into his closet, and collapsing immediately, just barely managing to shut the door.

 

He was pathetic. This was pretty pathetic, right? It was his birthday party, and he was hiding in his closet because his boyfriend took a pain pill. And yet, as Michael pointed out the ridiculous situation, he couldn't help the heavy thump in his chest as he saw a different Jeremy swallow a very different pill.

 

Pushing his glasses up and the heels of his hands into his closed eyes, Michael groaned, wishing for this all to go away. This was supposed to be a fun night. But now he was alone.  _ God,  _ he didn't want to be alone. He'd been alone for so long. It may have only been a few months, but to Michael it had felt like years with Jeremy. Maybe he should text Jake. Jake would sit with him, right? But if he texted Jake then Jake would surely tell Jeremy. And then Jeremy would feel bad and resent Michael and break up with him and move away and Michael would get mad at Jake and Jake would stop being his friend and Michael would be alone again and so obviously there was no way he could text Jake no matter how much he-

 

“Michael?”

 

Snapping out of his panic induced scenario, Michael's breath caught in his throat as he heard footsteps hesitantly explore the room. He already knew who it was and dread was instantly building up in the pit of his stomach.

 

“...Mike… where are you, man. Brooke said you went in here? I thought you were going to the bathroom.”

 

He covered his mouth to muffle the small whine that escaped. He wanted Jeremy to leave. Leave him be. And yet, a small selfish part of him, desperately wanted Jeremy to stay. To open the closet and find him and make everything all better. The conflict left him too scared to do anything but muffle his sounds.

 

It was futile however, as just moments later, the knob to the closet was turning slowly, and light spilled into the dark room. Michael immediately pressed his face into his knees, trying to breath right.

 

“Michael!” Jeremy sunk down to his knees, reaching out to grab at Michael. At the boys flinch back however, Jeremy pulled his hands back. “Are you… okay?” He asked, though the question shook.

 

Michael nodded his head. He was fine. This was okay. He'd be okay. As Jeremy whispered his name once more though, Michael couldn't hold back the gasp of air he needed. His breathing turned heavy and ragged, heart pounding in his chest. It was too hot. He was too hot.

 

Without a second thought, Michael sat up straighter, struggling to pull off his hoodie, but his hands were shaking too much. He couldn't manage to get it passed his chest, only getting caught inside it. And that certainly didn't help anything.

 

Michael gave another pained whine, as he tried again, weakly. Jeremy ‘hush’ed in a calm voice, drawing Michael's attention.

 

“Can I help?” He asked, soft and slow, and Michael surprised himself with a nod, arms going limp.

 

With slow movements, Jeremy pulled off Michael's glasses, frowning at the way the boy flinched back, and helped remove the red restricting material. Once it was clear of Michael's skin, Jeremy pressed the glasses back into place, and grabbed hold of Michael's shaking hands.

 

“Is this okay?” He asked, rubbing a thumb over Michael's knuckles.

 

With small attempts to breath deeply, Michael nodded, forcing his eyes back shut. Everything was too bright. Too loud. Too  _ demanding _ . 

 

Through his constant struggle, Michael could hear Jeremy was speaking again, but it was muffled, as if he was underwater. He blinked his eyes open, wincing at the piercing light, and stared at his lips, desperately trying to figure out what he was saying. Luckily it only took a few minutes for him to understand, Jeremy was asking what he could do to help.

 

With a raspy throat and incredibly dry mouth, Michael managed to force out, “turn the lights off,” before covering his face again. In an instant, Jeremy was gone. Before Michael should really panic about it however, the lights were flipped off, and Jeremy was back, holding onto Michael's hand once more.

 

That was better. Almost nice, if his throat didn't feel like it was on fire and chest wasn't competing in the world's most intense race to a heart attack.

 

Minutes, seconds, hours, Michael wasn't sure, ticked by. But eventually Michael's chest started to slow down, and his head started to focus more and more on his surroundings and less on the panicked situations in his head.

 

For one thing, his head was in Jeremy's lap, long fingers coming through his hair. When did that happen? Second, his glasses were removed from his face. Third, he was shivering. Michael kind of wanted his jacket back, but he really didn't want tired move. Four, his face felt wet. When did he start crying? And finally, five. Jeremy was speaking.

 

It was low, as if not wanting to be overheard. But loud enough for Michael to hear him plainly. Nothing important, just passing thoughts about games and such. Michael casted a quick glance up at Jeremy,shocked to find said boy smiling down at him. Michael's stomach rolled.

 

He looked away quickly, clearing his throat. “Sorry,” he forced out between dry lips, but Jeremy only stilled his hand, scratching lightly at Michael's scalp.

 

“Don't be sorry. It happen.”

 

“So… you know what that was then?”

 

Michael didn't have to hear Jeremy's confirmation to know it. He felt sick. The one thing he'd been keeping from Jeremy had been spilled. All because he couldn't contain it.  _ Wrong place, wrong time _ or whatever.

 

With great reluctance, Michael sat up, staring down at his hands. At least they weren't shaking anymore.

 

“I don't know what to say,” he whispered truthfully.  _ Fuck, _ he needed water.

 

Jeremy shook his head, taking one of Michael's hands and clasping their fingers together. “So don't say anything, dude. It's okay. But if you do want to talk about it… I'm here.”

 

“You mean you're  _ heere _ ?” Somehow Michael managed a smirk.

 

Jeremy rolled his eyes. “One day that joke is going to get really fuckin old, Mell. Even for you.”

 

“Whatever you say, Wario.”

 

Jeremy huffed, but the smile was still there.

 

Maybe it would be okay. He'd already admitted Jake was right, once. Why couldn't that still be true? He was still here now, Jeremy had apparently seen him through it all. And yet he was still debating on whether or not Jeremy would leave. It was pretty obvious he wouldn't. Michael couldn't keep living like this. Soon an end will be near where he just can't take it anymore. Maybe… just maybe. He'd never tell Jake he was right though.

 

Smooth fingers were turning his head to the side. Michael snapped out of his head to meet Jeremy's worried expression, if slightly fuzzy.

 

“Where'd you go?”

 

Michael sighed heavily, looking at their hands. “Jake says I should talk to you.”

 

“Talk to me? About what?”

 

Michael could already hear the apprehension in his voice. He shook his head. “Not about us, we're fine. But… about me. About… this?” He couldn't help but phrase the last part as a question, gesturing to the closeted surroundings. Jeremy nodded.

 

“Is that what you two have been talking and fighting about for the past few weeks?”

 

Michael nodded, biting his lip. He cleared his throat again, frowning. “I need water.”

 

Without a second more, he managed to get hooked up onto two legs, slowly making his way to his bed, where two water bottles sat. He drained both.

 

With Jeremy hovering right behind him, Michael noticed something. The house was quiet? He turned to look at Jeremy, the question on his face.

 

“Oh uh, Christine came down to find us, and I told her something happened and everyone needed to go home. I hope that's okay?”

 

He felt guilty for inviting everyone over, only to send them all home, but just the idea alone that he didn't have to face anyone else right now, was relieving enough for Michael to get over it. He grabbed Jeremy's hand again, sighing. “Yeah. That's actually kind of great. Thanks.”

 

“Hungry?” Jeremy offered. Michael really wasn't, but he knew after an episode he should at least try, so he nodded anyway.

 

Soon the two were sat in Michael's large bed, snacks, waters, and blankets surrounding them. Jeremy had managed to snag Michael's phone, and set up a more chill playlist, before climbing on to sit next to Michael. Regardless of his resolve earlier, Michael was quickly losing his confidence in telling Jeremy. Though, he had to admit, he was making it awfully easy to feel comfortable and relaxed. Which is key to getting Michael to confess to something.

 

He was picking at a bag of Doritos slowly, Jeremy sitting patiently beside him. Though when it quickly became apparent that Michael wasn't going to start this, Jeremy nudged him with his shoulder.

 

“So Jake says we should talk?”

 

With a sigh, Michael nodded. Despite his raw and tender lips, he bit at them once more, wishing the words would come to him more easily.

 

“Uh. Yeah. Yeah he did.”

 

“About… these… panic attacks? Anxiety attacks?”

 

Michael nodded. “They're the same thing.”

 

“So… how long have they been going on?”

 

Michael shrugged. This was a bad idea.

 

“Michael?”

 

He ate another chip almost defiantly. Why did he think this could end well?

 

“Is someone at school causing them?”

 

Another chip, another avoided question.

 

“Is it… is it me? Did I… mess something up?”

 

Dropping the chip half way in his mouth, Michael's head snapped up to Jeremy, a strained, “No!” Leaving him. But as Jeremy starred, Michael knew it was over.

 

“I did, didn't I? What did I do? I can fix it, right?”

 

“You didn't do anything,” he forced out. But Jeremy just laughed.

 

“Well I obviously did  _ something _ ! Michael, please. Just tell me! I hate- I hate seeing you like this. I didn't want to say anything, but I've known something has been up for awhile now. I just- I want to help.”

 

He knew that. Of course Jeremy wanted to help! It was  _ Jeremy _ . That's what Jeremy did. He helped even when it was futile.

 

Michael bit his lip harder, staring at the crumpled bag of Doritos he had clenched in his hands. Could he really tell Jeremy? He had to now. Because if he didn't, he'd certainly lose him. While telling him had more of a 50/50 chance of ending badly. But as Michael tried to speak he realised it was so  _ hard.  _ He'd never understand how girls and movies make emotions look so  _ easy _ when they were actually anything  _ but _ easy.

 

“I-i know. I know want to help. I just-”

 

Rubbing at his sore eyes, Michael sighed, bouncing his leg anxiously. He wanted to explain, but he didn't know where to start.

 

“Hey.” Michael looked up and widened his eyes as he realised just how close Jeremy was. “I love you, alright? And whatever this is, whatever is causing this, we'll overcome it. Okay? I can't be without my Player 1. So don't give up on me now.”

 

“You love me?” Was Michael elegant response.

 

Jeremy pulled back slightly, an amused, yet confused, grin. “Uhm, yeah? Didn't you know?”

 

“W-well I mean. You never said. We- we never said. So I just assumed…”

 

A snort escaped Jeremy as he leaned in quick to press a soft kiss to Michael's lips. “Of course I love you, dude. Didn't think I needed to say it for you to know. Sorry about that, I guess I'll have to do that more often then.” Despite the confidence he was showing, Michael could see the red flush in his cheeks. Michael grinned back, just as red.

 

“I.. I love you too, Jeremy.”

 

“I know.”

 

They were silent for a second, but it was easily broken by Michael's high pitched giggle. “ _ Dude _ . Did you just fuckin ‘ _ Han _ ’ me?”

 

“...Maybe.”

 

Stifling his laughter, Michael crammed chips into Jeremy's mouth, getting a similar treatment, and soon they were both a giggling mess, the previous tension defused. Michael felt calm. He felt happy. He felt… loved. Like maybe his problems aren't the end of the world. And as they lay next to each other, breathless and content, surrounded by chips, candy, and music, Michael felt… he felt like he could do anything.

 

He could overcome his anxiety and beat every panic attack that tried to come his way.

 

So with a deep breath and measured movements, Michael turned towards Jeremy, taking hold of his hand, and asked the question that had been burning on his mind since this whole relationship had started.

 

“You're not… you won't leave me. Right? If you know about…. All of the stuff I deal with?”

 

Jeremy's expression grew more somber as he looked at Michael, fingers squeezing his. “Of course not. You know I… still wake up thinking he's still here and stuff. Why would I turn you away when you have a bad day? We're a team, right?”

 

“Yeah that's true…”

 

“Michael… what happened? Tonight at the party. What triggered it?”

 

“It…” closing his eyes, Michael pushed his face into Jeremy's chest, breathing deep. He could do this. “The pill. You took… a pill tonight. And I just… I don't know. My head freaked out.”

 

Jeremy stiffened. “Oh my gosh, Michael! I didn't even think-  _ Fuck  _ I'm so sorry, i-" he started to pull back to look at Michael, but Michael held strong onto Jeremy's back, wrapping himself as close to Jeremy as he could get.

 

Shaking his head, Michael groaned. “Nooo, Jere, it's fine. Really, I'm okay now. It was dumb. I just… I freak out over weird, tiny, things. I can't help it. And I never told you, so there was no way you could know.”

 

“You're really okay now?” Michael could  _ hear _ the worried expression Jeremy was probably wearing. He nodded, forcing the tension to leave him again like before.

 

“Yeah. Promise.”

 

And that's what you and Jake have been fighting about? You telling me about the attacks?” After Michael's nod, Jeremy sighed, pushing his fingers through the thick brown hair. “I'm glad you told me. Now I can do research and help you! I can be there for you when they happen.”

 

Michael sputtered slightly, pulling back to look up at Jeremy. “You don't… Jere, you don't have to do that. I mean, they're pretty boring for the other person, I'd imagine. And you can't exactly stop it. You Just gotta… sit through it.”

 

“Yeah, but  _ you _ have to endure it. So the least I can do is sit with you. As your _ boyfriend _ it'd be pretty fucked if I just left you like that.”

 

“...I guess…”

 

“Hey.” The hand in his hair tightened slightly, tilting Michael's face up. He pointedly ignored the quiet thrill that shit through him from the action. That was an idea to explore at another time.

 

“Michael, I will  _ always _ be here for you. No matter how much you think I'd be better off without it.”

 

Michael flushed, pushing back onto Jeremy's chest. “Don't you mean  _ ‘heere’? _ ”

 

“MICHAEL MELL. I SWEAR TO GOD.”

 

Laughing, Michael took this chance to push up quickly and steal a kiss. Jeremy rolled his eyes and kissed back, humming against Michael's mouth. They pulled apart with red faces and happy smiles.

 

Michael pressed a hand against Jeremy's jaw, feeling the smooth skin there as Jeremy continued to comb his fingers through Michael's hair.

 

“Why do you insist on being with a mess like me?” He asked in a soft voice. Jeremy hummed in response, pressing another soft kiss on Michael's slightly parted lips.

 

“Because you're my favwit pwerson?”

 

Snorting, Michael pushed him away. “I thought Wario was your favorite person!?”

 

Today had it's bad moments, but ultimately, Michael would consider this a good day. And yeah, there will probably be more bad days in the future, but maybe with Jeremy by his side, the good will outweigh the bad. Maybe together they could find a way to over come both of their obstacles. Michael didn't know what was in the future. But what he did know was that right now, he was happy. He was with his boyfriend, he was laughing, he was young, he has friends, and there were years of uncharted territory to explore.

  
He Damn sure wasn't going to tell Jake he was right though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I DID IT THE SECOND CHAPTER. I DID A THING, LOOK MOM. Oh my gosh I'm sorry this took so long holy shit. I hope you guys liked it?? Now to work on my other fic xD Have a great day, babes!

**Author's Note:**

> Yoooo I guess this is in celebration of my other bmc fic hitting 1000 hits on two weeks? That's crazy dude! Thank all of you for your support! I'm so happy that fic is going over so well :)
> 
> Also I just really wanted some Jake and Michael bro fluff. And that's not for awhile in my other fic so I wanted to get it out now. I hope you guys liked this? I might add a second chapter later with Michael and Jeremy but that's undecided so for now this is going to be classified as finished. Also I typed this entirely on my phone so any mistakes are from auto correct, and please feel free to tell me if there's anything drastic. Like I know my phone lines to change 'to' to 'tutu'. /and boiii that's a problem.
> 
> Anyway yeah! Thanks! You guys are awesome! Hope you like this!


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